twentysomething

Title: No Good Will It Do You

Fandom: Hawaii 5-O

Pairing: Steve/Alwaysagirl!Danni (Wild Honey 'Verse)

Summary: "Steve would try to soften her up with sex, but he's found that makes her suspicious, more than anything else. Which is ridiculous, because who gets uptight because of sex?"

Length: 1900 wordsish.

Warnings: Genderbending, prostitution of team members, fake real prostitution.

Notes: So, I owed mklutz a favor (terrible position to be in, really), and I asked her what she wanted in return, and it was more girl!Danny. And I asked was there anything else, specifically that you wanted? And she said, "Well, undercover." and I said "Of course you do. Anything else?" and she said "Jealousy." And I said "Of course you do." And then I wrote this.



Steve jokes about it a lot, but when Haneoka in Vice actually asks if he can "borrow" Danni, Steve has to remind himself that he's not allowed to shoot people, because the Governor is probably lying about full immunity.

He doesn't technically have a reason not to do it.

They don't have any cases, the entire team has been tragic and annoying, and Danni had said she was painfully bored.

But she's going to stab him while he's asleep.

Steve would try to soften her up with sex, but he's found that makes her suspicious, more than anything else. Which is ridiculous, because who gets uptight because of sex?

"So, I was thinking beer, I might let you buy me dinner?" Danni grins at him, hip cocked against the edge of Steve's desk, knocking his carefully ignored papers into each other. Steve sighs. Danni raises her eyebrows, crossing her arms under her breasts, which is, as always, sort of distracting.

"That's a bad noise. When you sigh, you're thinking, and when you're thinking, you're usually thinking of ways to make my life more difficult." Danni teases. Steve shrugs.

"Sort of, yeah," he admits. Danni frowns, her smile slipping. "Haneoka was by, earlier." Danni purses her lips.

"He's in Vice, yeah? He got a case for us?" she asks, all business and Steve shrugs.

"He's got a case for you." Steve tries, because probably no matter how he spins this, this is gonna get ugly. Maybe he should have called Catherine and asked her how to tell your girlfriend you're loaning her out to another unit to pretend to be a prostitute. Although, if he's being honest with himself, Catherine would have just laughed at him until she was sick and then hung up on him.

Danni frowns more deeply for a moment before her eyes widen and her face goes blank.

"Let me guess. He needs a pro." Danni says, totally devoid of emotion and Steve resists the urge to wince.

"We don't have a case. He says the guy they're trying to snare has a, uh. Thing for blondes." Steve tries to explain. Danni pauses for a long moment, then nods.

"Sure. Tell him I'll do it." she says, breezing out of Steve's office and if they actually shared a bed, he'd be sleeping on the sofa. Possibly on another island.

Kono comes in no more than two minutes later.

"You are in deep shit, boss." she says at him cheerfully. Steve resists the urge to fire all of his team. Okay, Chin, he might keep.

Chin walks by briskly, shaking his head and pantomiming throat slitting.

He takes it back, he's firing his whole team.

"You might want to start grovelling now, I'm just saying." Kono points out. Steve glares at her until she laughs her way out his office.

Danni is viciously distant as they set up the sting- Steve's neurotically keeping tabs on the operation by making Haneoka BCC him on all the emails, but Danni is all but not talking to him, holing up with Chin when she's in 5-O at all, talking about surveillance methods and pointedly ignoring Steve. He passes the time by being- objectively- totally unbearable.

Mary Ann threatens to bury him alive in concrete if he doesn't apologize.

"I swear to god, I will drown you in the toilet. I don't care what you did- in fact, I don't want to know- but there is not enough alcohol in this state for me to be able to start dealing with this." she hisses at him.

It's not that Steve refuses to apologize, he just doesn't really know what he'd be apologizing for. If he says he's sorry he's lending her out, it's stupid and selfish, and somewhere in there is the implication that she's not the best- and his team, Danni- they're the best. Danni's a good cop, and Steve can understand that with an entire case on the line, someone else might want Danni to do the job.

He also doesn't really want to acknowledge the fact that he feels completely off-balance without her.

Steve reflects that maybe it's like Danni says, bad things happen to him because he ignores due process a lot, but it's overkill when she steps into his office, right before the op.

Her hair is mussed, like someone's had their hands in it, big tumbling waves of blond hair. Danni's short, filed-down nails are long and red, tapping against the door frame as she pauses for a moment. The whole outfit barely covers more than a towel would, black and almost sheer over impractical underwear. Steve would really like to pretend that he doesn't follow the line of her legs down her body to the precarious stripper heels, but that'd be a big lie.

"Uh, Danni," he starts, and she shakes her head, dark red lips quirked into a frown.

"Just letting you know," she says, tossing her hair over her shoulder. Danni's out of his office again in a flash, heels clicking down the hall and Steve's trying to convince himself that he shouldn't tail her.

In the end, Chin and Kono lock him in his office and he actually gets halfway through filling out all the paperwork it'd take to fire all the people in the world before they let him out.

"Too late to tail her now," Kono says, chipper and Chin just hands Steve a six pack of Longboards before clapping him on the shoulder and dragging Kono out the door, too.

So instead, Steve drives home, scares his sister out of the house with a single look and drinks five out of six beers before moving on to the whiskey. It's about halfway through the bottle that he falls out of his chair on the way to the kitchen, and Steve abruptly realizes that he hasn't eaten anything.

"This is the saddest thing I've seen all day, and that includes a crying drug lord that I sort of shot." Danni says from somewhere above him.

"I hope you shot everyone," Steve ends up saying, after a long moment. Danni smiles, reluctantly, although it looks funny upside-down.

"Just the bad guys, today, sorry." she jokes with a shrug. "You're grossly drunk, aren't you?" Steve thinks about it for a second.

"Yeah," he admits, because if he wasn't already on the floor, he'd probably fall over again. Danni sighs.

"Way to go, champ." she teases, sliding down the wall to sit next to him. She shakes the heels off, groaning as she flexes her toes. She's still dressed in the slutty dress from before, but she's thrown on a button down on top that Steve strongly suspects- even this hammered- that she stole from him.

"You know, it's not like you're not pretty like this," Steve mumbles. "But I like you better when you're my Danni." Her eyebrows shoot up.

"Oh?" she eventually asks. Steve rolls his eyes.

"I know you hate it. I sort of thought about punching Haneoka's face off. When he asked." Steve admits. "But I knew you could do it. So maybe that's what I'm sorry for, that you had to?" Danni stares at Steve for a long while before sighing again.

"Yeah, okay," she says, tugging Steve over by his t-shirt so his head is on top of her thigh. Steve frowns.

"So, you're not mad at me?" Steve asks, vaguely hopeful. Danni snorts.

"Please. You're going to pay for it, don't worry," Danni assures him. "But I'm not mad at you. Since I think you just backhandedly tried to apologize." Steve nods, absently rubbing his face against her.

"I was a dick to everyone. Because you weren't talking to me," Steve admits further. Danni laughs, and that's nice, because he can sort of feel it through her body.

"And here I thought you would be so happy. Remember that time you said you'd pay me to stop talking?" Danni teases again and Steve just sighs.

"Mary said she'd dunk my head in a toilet and drown me." Steve blurts out and Danni laughs and laughs and Steve missed her and this was the stupidest thing ever.

"Did you deserve to be drowned in a toilet?" she asks, combing her hand through his hair. Steve thinks about it.

"Yeah, probably." he says. Danni laughs quietly, one more time.

"You're an idiot. C'mon, I'm taking a shower, you're going to bed and in the morning you're making it up to me." Danni tells him, tugging at him again. Between the two of them, they manage to lurch down the hall into the bedroom. Steve is slightly suffocating face first into the pillow, slipping in and out of sleep, waking up a little when he hears the shower shut off. He manages to tilt his head enough to the side that he can open a bleary eye and watch Danni slip on a pair of his boxers and his most beaten up Academy t-shirt.

"See, this is good. I like you like this," he mumbles, and Danni just laughs and pulls them both under the covers, her towel-damp hair cool against his neck.

"Keep digging yourself out of this hole, or I'm going to become friends with your sister." Danni threatens and Steve just sighs and falls asleep.

Steve wakes up a) hungover, b) alone.

Neither of these things are really conducive to his happiness as a human being.

However, there is the telltale smell of greasy frying eggs wafting in from down the hall, and that, that is promising.

Steve lumbers down the halls, stumbling into everything imaginable, and some things he didn't think he could bump into, anyway.

"So, I was drunk last night," he opens with when he finally makes it to the kitchen, and Danni raises her eyebrows from where she's poking at strips of bacon that definitely aren't the turkey bacon he'd reluctantly bought.

"That's an understatement from Planet You Were Tanked," she points out. Steve rubs a hand over his face.

"This is normally the point where I would ask you to disregard anything I might have said, but, clearly that's not going to happen." Steve says, and Danni just grins at him.

"Good analysis, there," she agrees. Steve closes his eyes. She chuckles right by his ear and he feels her press a light kiss over the stubble on his cheek.

"God, you're like a homeless person. Go shave or I won't make out with you later." Danni chastises him and Steve would like to pretend that he doesn't slink off down the hall like a scolded dog to shower and shave, but he comes back into the kitchen, scrubbed fresh fifteen minutes later.

"I really have you whipped at the moment, don't I?" Danni asks cheerfully as Steve is sullenly shoveling eggs into his mouth.

"Shut up," Steve mumbles as he puts bacon and coffee in his mouth in equal measure. Danni just smiles at him, her hair up in a messy, ugly ponytail, chewing obnoxiously and Steve finally feels the tension in his back bleed out.

Between the grease and the shower, Steve feels human again, or at least human enough to drag Danni back to bed.

"Is this you... making it up to me?" Danni breathes out, wrapping her leg over Steve's hip, grinding up against him, restless and pleased.

"I'm trying," Steve says and that's as true as it gets, unfortunately. Danni pulls him close, kissing him soundly.

"And for some reason, that's good enough for me," she whispers.